Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A rant that has been brewing for awhile.

S and I have been dating for over three years now.

We're asked all the time, "When are you going to get married?"

The answer is, "more than likely, never."

This never fails to astound people.

A couple of weeks ago a friend of S's asked me 'the question' and in the process not-so-subtly implied I'm delusional if I think S is going to ask me. (I had a hard time not losing my shit on this person.)

S is very vocal in his views on marriage - his friends all know his views:

He has no plans to ever get married.

He was upfront about this when we started dating.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

Do they think I'm not able to understand what S means when he says "I'm not going to get married"?

What people fail to understand...

what they fail to take into consideration...

what they can't wrap their minds around...

is that I don't want to get married.

WHY do they give me that you're-crazy!-what-woman-doesn't-want-to-get-married look? For fuck's sake that look pisses me off. I am not defective just because I don't want to get married.

People, I've been there. I've done it. It wasn't the best experience of my life and it wasn't the worst. But I don't want to do it again.

See, here's the thing...

I LIKE being single. I LIKE having my own house and my privacy and the freedom to do what I want, when I want because it's only me I've got to look out for. I like letting the dishes stack up and falling asleep on the couch and leaving books everywhere. It's my life and I'm tired of people making me feel inferior because I don't want to get married. DEAL WITH IT PEOPLE. This is your issue - not mine.

What S and I have? It's perfect for us. It works for us.

So stop asking us when we're getting married.

Because we're not.

(A word of advice - if you're one of those people who asks couples who have been dating a long time when they're getting married? For the love of God, STOP. It's not cute and it's not funny. It's an uncomfortable question to be asked, it's an uncomfortable question to answer -- because more than likely we can't tell you to take a flying leap -- and it's really none of your business anyway.)


Now, just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean I can't appreciate the symbolism of the day. Check out what this bride did.


ree said...

And also, do NOT ask a married couple when they're going to start popping out kids. Because a) they're NOT defective if they don't want to have children and b) they may want children desperately and not be able to get pregnant.

Been there, done that, and yes, I'm looking at YOU ex-mother-in-law.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I agree wholeheartedly with you and ree. I hated the "when are you going to have kids?" question. "Oh, gee, I'll have kids when my ovaries quit being dysfunctional and when I'm no longer infertile!"

People are so friggin' insensitive.

Duyvken said...

That's so funny! You poor thing. I would add that it is wise to only ever be congratulatory when someone announces that they're pregnant. The number of times I was asked 'was it planned?' when I told people I was pregnant with my 4th was unbelievable. Seriously, why would it be any of their business whether or not it was planned and why assume that having more than 2 children means you don't know how to use contraception? So bizarre!
Great rant!!

Red Hamster said...

Hope you feel better after getting that rant out. Been there, done that...except that the guy did not want to get married, and I did. I'm glad you and S both want the same thing. That's all that matters...and it's no one's business but yours!

And thanks for the link to the bride with the gown made of wool. I love the English countryside and all the woolly sheep dotting the green fields! (although I've been up close with those sheep in the fields...and the backsides of them...not so pretty)

The Coffee Lady said...

Ah, see, I would never do this, because I am too self-absorbed to ask people questions about their own lives.

Glad to know it's a virtue sometimes.

Jay said...

I wouldn't dream of doing that to anyone - it's an unpardonable intrusion! Yes, I had the 'when are you going to give me a grand-daughter' thing. Not exactly the same thing, but sheesh!

Note the wording 'give me'. Unbelievable.